Head Shot

I'm sitting in my living room, which at the moment is a disaster with boxes and cleaning stuff all over, with more homework on my plate than I'd like, but none of that really matters to me tonight. I just want to sit. Or drive. Which actually is a form of sitting. I was hit straight in the head today by mortality, Godliness, temperament, friendships, marriage, and so many heavy handed fists of life. I'm still processing through what it all means for me, but I think the outlet of realizing that it's weighing on me is a good start. In the mean time I'll strive to be thankful for my incredible wife, try not to sweat the small stuff, be available to my friends and family that are in need, and not be too prideful to accept help when I find myself in over my head.

My prayer...

"Jesus, your redeeming power leaves me on my knees in awe. I sit tonight and think about the 'sinner woman' who washed your feet with her tears and the very hair on her head. I know I don't really have enough hair for that to work with me, but the principle still leaves me speechless. You saw that woman for exactly what she was. Simon looked at her and saw a sinner. He saw a woman that didn't deserve to come to the table of a Rabbi, to interrupt him, to intrude, to get in the way, and waste precious perfume on his feet. Jesus, you didn't see sin, you saw forgiveness. The 'sinner woman', so wrapped up in your forgiving power, couldn't help but serve and come to your feet. Her actions came straight from her thankfulness of your forgiveness. Help me to be humble enough to get on my knees and wash your feet. Please help me to be a husband, a friend, a son, a brother, a child of God who lives each day recognizing that I am forgiven, and can't help but strive to live in that identity. Help me to take all that I am wrapped up in and lose it forever. Help me to grasp Your redeeming identity and claim it as my own, and do with me what you will. Thank you so much for all the blessings that You've given me in my life. It is so precious, and while I don't understand Your will sometimes, help me to accept it and strive for it each day. Today I don't know what that looks like. I am weak and today a little lost. You've made man so fragile, yet in our fragility we gain an incredible strength in You. Some days I don't understand that, especially this day; and some days I don't like it, especially this day. Honestly, I don't like that man is so weak. I don't like that tomorrow You could take me or anybody I love away from me. Honestly, I hate that...today, at least. Some days I'm OK with the fact that you are in complete control. It's just some of the things that happen, I don't know how to respond to. Today is that day. Yet... I shall be content in my questions and contemplations for now. It is in those time, when I don't have answers that I release my own desires and grasp a clearer understanding of your answers.

How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death, my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall. But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.

So here I sit, not as downtrodden as the psalmist, but lost in thought nonetheless. But as the psalmist, I will trust in Your unfailing love, rejoice in my identity as forgiven, and trust that You have been good to me, and will continue to be good. Help me to remember that and intentionally be that person to You, to my wife, family, and everyone you bring my way. Thank you for the second chance, again. Amen."